Could someone look over this English Essay?

Right off the bat.. "If you had not known this fact, then you most likely have been living under a rock all your life and are clueless to reality." Is this for school? Sentences like this one have no place in an essay for school. It is also kind of insulting. Your tone is way to conversational and informal for something for an English class or any other class except for maybe creative writing! The content is interesting though, so you've got that going for you. But remember that you must cite your sources for every bit of information that you use in your essay that you didn't think of all by yourself (just about everything in this essay).